Guys, do you even understand how scary it is to be moving without the security of a job/income? I wanted so badly to have a job lined up before I moved so at least I’d feel confident in that. And now, after all the time I’ve sat at home and visited Texas, I still do not have anything to feel confident about. It’s not the greatest time. I’ve delayed and postponed for months now and for what? For nothing, apparently. It sucks. And now I’m stuck in limbo. Do I take the leap and hope that I have enough determination and strength to find something once I move? Can I make something out of literally nothing? It’s the scariest thing thinking that I’ll get there and something won’t work out. It’s the scariest thing thinking that I’ll get there and I’ll run out of money and will have to come back here. To no money and no job and bills to still pay. It’s the scariest thing to think all of these things and know in my heart that if I want to make any of this work, that this is what I’m going to have to do.
By the time I was a senior in high school I was convinced that I had it all figured out. After my undergraduate career was over, I was going to ship myself off to a graduate program in Europe. Preferably for creative writing. Preferably in London. The rain would help because weather and moodiness are two things I seem to thrive on. Weather and moodiness seem to be two things all writers seem to thrive on. So, naturally, the combination of the two is a really great (and awful) time. I’d walk through the unfamiliar streets filled with unfamiliar faces. Listen in on neighboring conversations in accents that were new to my ears. I’d fall in love with a stranger. He’d, in time, fall in love with me. We’d be happy for a while. I’d write about him and the way I felt when around him. I’d never let him read it. I’d never tell him the way I felt when around him. Never marriage, though. Never engagement, never marriage, never children. Never “happily ever after” or “together forever.” No such thing as “till death do us part.” We’d part and it would be fine. I’d continue to live and to write. I’d come out of graduate school not unscathed, but a much different person than I was before. I’d never return to the person and the place that I once defined myself by.
By the time I graduated from college I was convinced that I had nothing figured out. I feel as though I have strayed so far from my original hopes and dreams and goals. I have my sights set on Texas and UT Austin and writing and really really dry, hot weather. (And tornados?!?!?) I have sights set on relationships. On future relationships. On forever relationships. For a long time, I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Was straying this far from what I had always envisioned bad? Did this mean I was settling for something because I didn’t think I could accomplish my goal? Am I settling for less? I think if I had asked myself that a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have known what to say. Maybe I am. But in the same regard, maybe things have changed for me. Maybe I don’t require a ridiculous excursion to Europe to realize what I want from life and from myself. Maybe growing up also means adapting your dreams to your current situation. So maybe I’m not straying, necessarily. Maybe my end result will be Europe. Maybe I’m finally just learning to enjoy the ride. Maybe I’m just taking the long way.
As it turns out, I can never be a serious blogger.
Okay, so I’m sure you are all wondering what’s going on with me and my move. (I’m actually sure none of you are wondering what’s going on with me and my move.) While I haven’t actually moved yet, I did go to visit and interview with a store in hopes of acquiring a job before I pick up and leave forever. And it went really surprisingly well. So hopefully that can be a thing soon so I can get my butt out of New Jersey. For a long time, I was freaking out about the idea of picking up and leaving a life I’ve gotten so comfortable with, but I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that this is something I not only want to do, but it’s something I need to do. I complain so often about change and about changing my life in order to make myself happier. And here I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to do that and here I am letting it slip away right before my eyes. (Dramatic.) I need to start taking control of my life and my decisions or else nothing will ever happen for me and I’ll be stuck here whining about how much I need change and how unhappy I am with the way my life is going.
Speaking of nothing ever happening for me, I (obviously) did not win any sort of prize in the Writer’s Digest Writing Competition, but I was pretty sure it was hopeless to begin with, so I’m not too too disappointed in that. I think mostly I just needed to know that I could accomplish something like that. I was able to draft a manuscript and, moreover, I was able to draft a manuscript I’m proud of. I think this is a huge feat. And I’m hoping this will only push and motivate me to write more and continue working on this manuscript in order to one day win a writing competition and get published. However, I am still having such a difficult time getting myself on a schedule. I think I’ve been so crazy busy making my life worse than it should be that I haven’t given any thought to my writing and what I need to be doing. So next week I’m getting down to business for real (FO’ REAL). I haven’t written in so long and it’s driving me mostly crazy. I have so many ideas that I want to get onto paper, but I haven’t found a way to do it yet. And it’s because of that fact that I know I just have to start writing and hope something comes from it.
Also (kind of) jumping back to the subject of me and my move, I realize that I was basically freaking myself out about saying goodbye to the people I’ve surrounded myself with at home. Saying goodbye shouldn’t be as difficult as I made it out to be. I know it’ll be hard and I’m not trying to say that it won’t be. These people have been with me almost consistently for years now. They’ve seen me through my best and worst times. (So cheesy.) I have grown up with these people. I am who I am because I have met these people. There is nothing easy about it. But, in the same regard, I have had to say goodbye to my friends in Texas almost constantly. And the friends I have in Texas are some of the best friends I’ve ever known. On a regular basis I’ve had to pick up and leave them. Say goodbye to them. Not know whether or not they will be around the next time I visit. And I think if I can say goodbye to the people who I’ve connected so well with on such an emotional level, I can learn to be strong enough to say goodbye to the people who have supported me through every decision I’ve made thus far in my life.