When I say that for a really long time I thought the only thing I wanted in a relationship was some type of long distance, I really mean that. I had no attraction to almost any of the males I knew at home and so I was convinced that my soulmate was somewhere across America or the world patiently waiting for our introduction. And this was okay. I, like I’m sure many other hopeless romantics/literature majors taking a Jane Austen class, found something super romantic about a long distance relationship. Two individuals sharing such a deep personal connection that transcended distance and time. How great, right? What could be better than knowing that no matter the space between you and the person you felt closest to, you always felt closest to them.
This was extra appealing to me because for a long time (aka this might still be a thing today) I was really uncomfortable with all aspects of any sort of physical intimacy. So, I mean, hello, are you understanding what I’m saying? I could have a relationship without constantly having the obligation of providing some sort of physical contact. We’d be apart for a certain amount of time and then we could visit whenever we felt we needed to. I didn’t have to be constantly showing affection or constantly receiving affection, which was something that made me uncomfortable because I’m weird.
It all sounded really great. And now that I am 22 and basically in a long distance relationship for the first time, I am coming to realize that everything I had thought about them was absolutely wrong. Ok, relationship gods. You win. I was wrong.
(Disclaimer: you’ll have to excuse me in this post because I will be 100% too dramatic for anything on this earth and for that I am deeply sorry.)
Maybe I was just wrong because now I am in a LDR (I’m going to use this acronym because it’s too much work to type out the whole thing every. single. time) with a boy that I would very very much like to be in an actual relationship with, so that is kind of a bummer mostly, no? I know it’s only a matter of time before I can be around him on a regular basis but it’s all very weird and uncertain to me even though it’s not at all weird and uncertain. When I said I was basically in a LDR, I meant it. I’m not actually in one. But I mean, basically. So, in saying that, I can be around him and he can decide he hates my guts and then all of this was for nothing except sadness and tears.
Everyone just keeps reminding me about how great it’s going to be when I’m actually able to see him on a regular basis and I believe them. They are 100% correct. Because I visited him about a month ago and it was probably the most perfect week of my life. So, yes, everyone on this earth, you are correct. Except once you leave that perfect week it’s back to being half a country away and it’s like nothing ever actually happened. Ready for cliches because it’s all like a dream. You start to wonder if it even happened because now it’s the opposite of happening. It’s not at all happening. Nothing is at all happening.
So kudos to you, folks in LDRs because you’re great and less dramatic than I am.
I think my biggest problem, though, with the LDR is the type of crazy person I’ve become. And not even crazy clingy. Or crazy annoying. (I like to keep the crazy to myself, you understand.) It’s become an insecure crazy. An almost jealous crazy (but not quite). I have never felt so insecure before in my life and I can’t even understand why because he is a perfect specimen and he has promised to be mine while I am here and also when I get there so why self, why? He watches football every Saturday and literally disappears for all of eternity and I just get so bothered by the fact that he isn’t paying constant attention to me. And not because I’m mad that he has friends and I do paint by numbers on Saturday nights, but because I keep thinking that he’s going to be out somewhere and meet someone and realize that he doesn’t need to be waiting around for some girl that is half a country away. How stupid is that and am I? So stupid. It’s the stupidest thing I feel like the stupidest thing.
How do people even do this because this is driving me up a wall but in a good and bad way because I think this is going to end up being the most perfect relationship but also I’m half a country away from it all.