On Life: An Update

It feels like I’ve been home forever. Like I’ve always been home. Like I never left and never returned. It’s been about two months since I’ve been back and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I was, at one point, 1,500 miles away from it all. At the same time, I can’t believe that here I am, sitting in bed, writing about the same subject that is Texas. I guess I mostly only ever still think about Texas because of the people in Texas that I left behind. It’s not everyone I met. It’s not even half the people I met that I think about. It’s the three or four coworkers I connected with on such a level that I didn’t think I would. Things like that are weird to me. Friendships, that is. Especially these ones. Friendships are weird because you start off strangers. At a certain point in all of our friendships, we were strangers. Not wondering about the other’s existence. I never would’ve thought about the people in Texas. Never would’ve thought that anything would’ve brought us together. But something did. And now something is keeping us together. And I wonder if this was all Texas was supposed to be for me. A way to connect me with these select individuals. It’s almost comforting to know there are forces out there that drive us to the people we are meant to be around and the things we are supposed to doing with our time. Also like super super terrifying.

Friendships are also weird in the sense that you can get into an almost disagreement with someone and disappear from each other’s lives for a year and somehow return to a place where you were before it all happened. Reconnecting, reuniting. I say this because it’s something I did with someone who was my best friend for three years leading up to my move to Texas. And something in the few months before I left dragged us apart. Her boyfriend, my job. Her inability to accept the fact that I was leaving. My inability to accept the fact that I was leaving. Yet here we are. Trying to reestablish the friendship we had created and it’s as if nothing has changed. The year we didn’t speak didn’t happen. The five months I was in Texas was not a thing that kept us separated.

Working at the mall is still what I find myself doing and a lot of the time, it’s ok. It’s only when I get a day off when I feel like I’m a useless human being. Maybe it’s because I sit around a lot and do absolutely nothing so I guess that’s my fault. I’m interviewing to become a full time assistant manager within the next few days and that seems pretty cool. It’ll be pretty nice to take on some more responsibility and show everyone on a corporate level what I’m capable of. The company I work for is really cool and also has a really awesome marketing campaign going on and I feel like I connect with it a deep level, which is a little weird for me. If you asked me five years ago if being a full time retail manager was something I’d be doing, I would laugh and tell you that you are drunk. This is not something I ever imagined, but maybe I should run with it? Maybe I should take the chance to see where it leads?

I guess my only concern with it all is that I haven’t been writing lately. Again, that’s my fault. I am the worst at keeping any sort of schedule for myself (writing or anything else for that matter). Sometimes I feel like as I’m following this dream I lose sight of everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I’ve always wanted. I guess as long as I keep acknowledging that writing is my passion, I’ll never truly lose sight of it, but I know actions speak louder than words and if I want to be serious about all that I’m typing right now, I need to start showing myself and my brain and my heart that pen and paper is where my true passion lies. I 100% need a better writing schedule. Better writing schedule, sleeping schedule, reading schedule. The only positive to being full time is that I think I’ll have a more regular work schedule, so hopefully I can start setting other schedules for the rest of my life.

And if you were wondering, my long distance relationship is still very much a thing, but I’m not here to whine about distance and talk to you about hard everything in life is. It’s an incredible thing to finally realize that stressing is for nothing when someone 3,000 miles away chose to be with me and continues to choose me everyday he wakes up and every night he falls asleep. So somewhere deep inside of my being, I have been much more accepting it all. Distance is just a milestone. It’s a stepping stone to where we both need to be in order to be together. It’s an obstacle, but I think it’ll be the hardest obstacle we deal with for a while. Everything else seems like cake.

It’s weird being positive about something that I am 100% not ok with, but, at the same time, I’ve been feeling relatively more positive the last few days? I saw on the news that cynicism leads to health problems so I guess this newfound positivity came at just the right time? I’m not saying I’m going to be the most positive / happy go lucky human being on the face of this earth, but I am taking things one day at a time. Maybe it’s because I’ve been enjoying work? Or maybe it’s because I’m being recognized for all my hard work? I’m not sure, exactly, but I don’t hate it. I guess I realized that a lot of the things I was stressing about aren’t worth the time. It’s all a means to a better end.

Also, I’m going to leave this here because it somehow embodies my newly discovered positive side maybe???


Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, David Sedaris

Back Bay Books, 2004

Ok, I’m going to start off by saying that I think David Sedaris is a hilarious human being. This was my first full collection of Sedaris’s works and I’m so upset with myself that I put it off for so long. I’m obviously the worst. It’s been a while since I read a book and literally lol-ed (haha, hate myself). I’d be reading by myself in my room and every so often I’d just chuckle. Sometimes it’s like full blown laughter and I’m sure everyone who heard this must’ve thought I was a crazy person. Anyway, I think that’s a great thing. To be able to make someone laugh and connect without actually really saying anything outwardly funny. I think that’s what I liked best about his style. He’s a funny guy, but he doesn’t have to try. He writes what he feels and what he sees, but he does it in such a way that makes you feel familiar with you. David Sedaris and I feel like old buddies at this point.

Personally, I’ve always had a hard time writing quality nonfiction stuff. I guess for a long time I thought my life wasn’t interesting enough. But now maybe I’m realizing that I don’t have to write any differently when writing fiction and nonfiction. I guess I assumed all nonfiction should have a more serious tone to it. Sedaris has proven to me that this is not the case. He’s living his life and writing about it in a less than normal way. I’m not saying that the situations in the collection were anything close to my life experience, but even then, he wrote about the extraordinary events in the same manner that he discussed the ordinary. Sometimes it’s the writing that grabs us, not always the experience behind it. Lesson learned, Professor Sedaris. (He’s not a professor but, get it, because lessons being taught and professors, haha ok.) But on a serious note, I would love to write nonfiction in this way because, let’s get real, who wouldn’t?

There is no clear order to the placement of each story. Sedaris weaves in and out through his past and his present seamlessly. I had no problems with the jumps and the flashbacks and the flash forwards. I guess my only complaint (???) would be the placement of the last story. As in, should it be the last story? I’m not sure. I’m sure Sedaris knows what he’s doing so do it, Sedaris. Do it. Don’t get me wrong, Nuit of the Living Dead did seem to round out all the other pieces really well. I think it captured a lot of who Sedaris is today, but even more so, the person he was at various points in his life. So great, good work, love that aspect of it. I just don’t know if I loved the tone for being the last story. Maybe I just wanted more funny. Maybe that’s it. Because I guess now that I’m writing about it, more funny would’ve just made me want more. The tone of the last piece did make it seem a little more final–as in, get another book to continue reading about my life, ok? Maybe that’s it. Maybe I just didn’t like it at the time. Ok guys, I change my mind. Forget this ever happened.

On Dating: Long Distance: Continuing to be Something I Don’t Want in a Relationship

I know I’ve complained about this topic in the past and I also know that I am not the most idealistic human being to discuss relationships, but I just got back from visiting my actual real life long distance boyfriend and now I feel the need to talk about it almost constantly to everyone I know and also don’t know so brace yourselves, ok. 

Long distance is a weird time. It’s a weird time because a lot of the time you are very much alone, but you never actually feel that way. Deep in the back of my mind, I am always reminded that someone else is there with me and for me. The physical presence is lacking, of course, but the lingering connection two people share never actually stays away. Maybe that’s the weirdest part of it all for me. Some days I feel lonely and some days I want to feel alone, to remind myself that he’s not here with me–to remind myself that I need to work at this if I want to keep it going. And that’s dumb, because I don’t actually need to do that to remind myself of these things. But it’s also the hardest part, because the days I do feel lonely, I remember that I am alone. That I can’t call him up and see him in five minutes and be cured of all the loneliness. And that sucks, but also I don’t think this is making much sense at all and that sucks, too, because I am trying really hard to make these sentences real sentences with real meanings. 

My old manager dated her now husband for six years long distance and I can’t even imagine being able to do that as a human being, especially as a human being in love with another human being. It’s been a total of eight months that I’ve dated my boyfriend long distance and that is eight months too long for my taste. So props to all those who have been in or are currently in a long term long distance relationship because you are better people than I am. Or, I guess, maybe I’m just not used to it, but I don’t know if that’s a thing that I’ll ever be. ANYWAY, my old manager dated her now husband for six years long distance. She told me that you have to teach yourself to be ok with loneliness. She almost told me that you have to be comfortable with it. And, for many years of my life, I was ok with loneliness and ok with being alone forever. But there’s those two words and they are not synonymous. Everyone always used to say that you could be alone, but not be lonely. You can be totally single forever and never want a human companion for all of life but that doesn’t mean you’re lonely. And I guess you can even be lonely but not be alone and that’s sad to be with another person and still feel lonely, but I guess that’s where I’m at. Because I am with someone but I am so lonely because he’s not here. What am I saying?

The thing is that I guess despite my level of hate for the long distance separating myself and my boyfriend, the distance has made and strengthened my relationship and I can’t say that I would change it for anything. Not even the seven months that kept us apart the first seven months we were talking. We decided within a ten day period that we wanted to see where this connection would take us. And, so, we spent seven months apart, with only text messages and video chats to keep us in contact. We spoke every day. We skipped the having to get to know each other. We skipped the awkward first date conversation. We got to know each other based on things that were most important to both of us as individuals. We skipped the honeymoon phase because we had both already decided that this was what we wanted to work for–that this was what we wanted. There was no question that, no matter how hard things got, we weren’t giving up on each other or on each other as a unit. That’s the most gratifying part of it all, I think. I know all couples hit a moment when they decide that this is their forever. But we’ve been through tough times and knowing he’s 3,000 miles away and still continuing to put myself and our relationship before all things is a wonderful feeling. (Not a wonderful feeling that you can’t spend time with the one and only person you want to spend time with, but you take what you can get.) 

(This post was going to go in a completely different direction and now I don’t know where I am or how I got here.)