It feels like I’ve been home forever. Like I’ve always been home. Like I never left and never returned. It’s been about two months since I’ve been back and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I was, at one point, 1,500 miles away from it all. At the same time, I can’t believe that here I am, sitting in bed, writing about the same subject that is Texas. I guess I mostly only ever still think about Texas because of the people in Texas that I left behind. It’s not everyone I met. It’s not even half the people I met that I think about. It’s the three or four coworkers I connected with on such a level that I didn’t think I would. Things like that are weird to me. Friendships, that is. Especially these ones. Friendships are weird because you start off strangers. At a certain point in all of our friendships, we were strangers. Not wondering about the other’s existence. I never would’ve thought about the people in Texas. Never would’ve thought that anything would’ve brought us together. But something did. And now something is keeping us together. And I wonder if this was all Texas was supposed to be for me. A way to connect me with these select individuals. It’s almost comforting to know there are forces out there that drive us to the people we are meant to be around and the things we are supposed to doing with our time. Also like super super terrifying.
Friendships are also weird in the sense that you can get into an almost disagreement with someone and disappear from each other’s lives for a year and somehow return to a place where you were before it all happened. Reconnecting, reuniting. I say this because it’s something I did with someone who was my best friend for three years leading up to my move to Texas. And something in the few months before I left dragged us apart. Her boyfriend, my job. Her inability to accept the fact that I was leaving. My inability to accept the fact that I was leaving. Yet here we are. Trying to reestablish the friendship we had created and it’s as if nothing has changed. The year we didn’t speak didn’t happen. The five months I was in Texas was not a thing that kept us separated.
Working at the mall is still what I find myself doing and a lot of the time, it’s ok. It’s only when I get a day off when I feel like I’m a useless human being. Maybe it’s because I sit around a lot and do absolutely nothing so I guess that’s my fault. I’m interviewing to become a full time assistant manager within the next few days and that seems pretty cool. It’ll be pretty nice to take on some more responsibility and show everyone on a corporate level what I’m capable of. The company I work for is really cool and also has a really awesome marketing campaign going on and I feel like I connect with it a deep level, which is a little weird for me. If you asked me five years ago if being a full time retail manager was something I’d be doing, I would laugh and tell you that you are drunk. This is not something I ever imagined, but maybe I should run with it? Maybe I should take the chance to see where it leads?
I guess my only concern with it all is that I haven’t been writing lately. Again, that’s my fault. I am the worst at keeping any sort of schedule for myself (writing or anything else for that matter). Sometimes I feel like as I’m following this dream I lose sight of everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I’ve always wanted. I guess as long as I keep acknowledging that writing is my passion, I’ll never truly lose sight of it, but I know actions speak louder than words and if I want to be serious about all that I’m typing right now, I need to start showing myself and my brain and my heart that pen and paper is where my true passion lies. I 100% need a better writing schedule. Better writing schedule, sleeping schedule, reading schedule. The only positive to being full time is that I think I’ll have a more regular work schedule, so hopefully I can start setting other schedules for the rest of my life.
And if you were wondering, my long distance relationship is still very much a thing, but I’m not here to whine about distance and talk to you about hard everything in life is. It’s an incredible thing to finally realize that stressing is for nothing when someone 3,000 miles away chose to be with me and continues to choose me everyday he wakes up and every night he falls asleep. So somewhere deep inside of my being, I have been much more accepting it all. Distance is just a milestone. It’s a stepping stone to where we both need to be in order to be together. It’s an obstacle, but I think it’ll be the hardest obstacle we deal with for a while. Everything else seems like cake.
It’s weird being positive about something that I am 100% not ok with, but, at the same time, I’ve been feeling relatively more positive the last few days? I saw on the news that cynicism leads to health problems so I guess this newfound positivity came at just the right time? I’m not saying I’m going to be the most positive / happy go lucky human being on the face of this earth, but I am taking things one day at a time. Maybe it’s because I’ve been enjoying work? Or maybe it’s because I’m being recognized for all my hard work? I’m not sure, exactly, but I don’t hate it. I guess I realized that a lot of the things I was stressing about aren’t worth the time. It’s all a means to a better end.
Also, I’m going to leave this here because it somehow embodies my newly discovered positive side maybe???