On Dating: Long Distance: Continuing to be Something I Don’t Want in a Relationship

I know I’ve complained about this topic in the past and I also know that I am not the most idealistic human being to discuss relationships, but I just got back from visiting my actual real life long distance boyfriend and now I feel the need to talk about it almost constantly to everyone I know and also don’t know so brace yourselves, ok. 

Long distance is a weird time. It’s a weird time because a lot of the time you are very much alone, but you never actually feel that way. Deep in the back of my mind, I am always reminded that someone else is there with me and for me. The physical presence is lacking, of course, but the lingering connection two people share never actually stays away. Maybe that’s the weirdest part of it all for me. Some days I feel lonely and some days I want to feel alone, to remind myself that he’s not here with me–to remind myself that I need to work at this if I want to keep it going. And that’s dumb, because I don’t actually need to do that to remind myself of these things. But it’s also the hardest part, because the days I do feel lonely, I remember that I am alone. That I can’t call him up and see him in five minutes and be cured of all the loneliness. And that sucks, but also I don’t think this is making much sense at all and that sucks, too, because I am trying really hard to make these sentences real sentences with real meanings. 

My old manager dated her now husband for six years long distance and I can’t even imagine being able to do that as a human being, especially as a human being in love with another human being. It’s been a total of eight months that I’ve dated my boyfriend long distance and that is eight months too long for my taste. So props to all those who have been in or are currently in a long term long distance relationship because you are better people than I am. Or, I guess, maybe I’m just not used to it, but I don’t know if that’s a thing that I’ll ever be. ANYWAY, my old manager dated her now husband for six years long distance. She told me that you have to teach yourself to be ok with loneliness. She almost told me that you have to be comfortable with it. And, for many years of my life, I was ok with loneliness and ok with being alone forever. But there’s those two words and they are not synonymous. Everyone always used to say that you could be alone, but not be lonely. You can be totally single forever and never want a human companion for all of life but that doesn’t mean you’re lonely. And I guess you can even be lonely but not be alone and that’s sad to be with another person and still feel lonely, but I guess that’s where I’m at. Because I am with someone but I am so lonely because he’s not here. What am I saying?

The thing is that I guess despite my level of hate for the long distance separating myself and my boyfriend, the distance has made and strengthened my relationship and I can’t say that I would change it for anything. Not even the seven months that kept us apart the first seven months we were talking. We decided within a ten day period that we wanted to see where this connection would take us. And, so, we spent seven months apart, with only text messages and video chats to keep us in contact. We spoke every day. We skipped the having to get to know each other. We skipped the awkward first date conversation. We got to know each other based on things that were most important to both of us as individuals. We skipped the honeymoon phase because we had both already decided that this was what we wanted to work for–that this was what we wanted. There was no question that, no matter how hard things got, we weren’t giving up on each other or on each other as a unit. That’s the most gratifying part of it all, I think. I know all couples hit a moment when they decide that this is their forever. But we’ve been through tough times and knowing he’s 3,000 miles away and still continuing to put myself and our relationship before all things is a wonderful feeling. (Not a wonderful feeling that you can’t spend time with the one and only person you want to spend time with, but you take what you can get.) 

(This post was going to go in a completely different direction and now I don’t know where I am or how I got here.)