self realization

I thought for a long time that being a serious blogger was something I wanted to be. Serious in that I do it all the time. Serious in the subjects I discussed. Serious in the way I discussed said subjects. Serious in thought and commitment. I’d read books and give serious reviews (haha) and spark serious discussions with other serious bloggers and it was going to be an ideal time. But that got too hard for me because, let’s face it, I have never been, and will probably never be, a serious type of person or writer. I jumped around with several blogging sites because I thought maybe a different site would bring about a different type of blog because that’s the type of crazy I am now. I realize now that I shouldn’t be so worried about being a serious blogger with serious posts about serious things. I want to write whatever I want whenever I want whether it fits into this mold that I created for my blog or not. i want to whine about work and tell the story of that time my dog ate her own poop and I nearly puked in my mouth. I want to write letters to people that will never see them about problems they will never know they caused. I want to write story ideas and then delete every single story idea because I’m very good at coming up with story ideas and you will all probably want to steal them.

On a more serious (haha) note, I’ve just been feeling like I’ve been getting in the way of myself. I hold myself back. I do things because I think I should be doing things. I let myself get wrapped up in little unimportant things and forget that I have a bigger plan for myself. I get distracted from the person I am and the person I want to continue to be. I let other people’s actions dictate how I’m feeling. How stupid is that? How stupid is it to write a certain way about certain things because that’s what other people do? How stupid is it to wake up in the morning and think that this is all there is? It’s very stupid, ok, I’m telling you that it is very stupid.

So I guess that’s all I’m trying to say at this point. That I realize I let myself get lost in the shuffle of daily life and that it was stupid of me and now I am back. Also I was watching “Thirteen Going on Thirty” as I was writing this post and this song started playing in one of the scenes and I like it a lot and so I’m going to post it here in hopes that it gives this post a really contemplative air as if I’m going to pack up my bags and move to Vienna to make my life cooler than it will be described in many posts to follow.

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