Me Being Thankful for Things

This post is partly cliched because I’m 100% going to make a list of things I am thankful for (on Thanksgiving, yes). But don’t worry, I’m going to try to make this as original as possible. (It won’t work because it’s Thanksgiving and also a list of things I’m thankful for, but it’s ok I’m going to do it anyway.)

I’m thankful for a mom who reminds me to get a life but also makes me slippers every winter because my feet get cold. Who makes dinner basically every night but also complains about making dinner every night because it’s a pain and also my sisters and I work a lot and are each very particular in what we eat and when we eat it. Thankful for a mom who hung up the phone on me when I was upset in Texas. (You’ll all take this out of context but literally I was the worst that day and it was icing and I couldn’t leave my terrible apartment.) A mom who drove in a little car half way across the country to help me move into an apartment that I ended up moving out of. Thankful for a mom who plays Super Mario Bros with me when we’re bored at night because Super Mario Bros.

I’m thankful for a dad that will literally only text me the letter ‘k.’ Who gives me funny looks from across the table when I say something dumb. A dad who secretly loves my dogs no matter how many times he tells us he hates them. Thankful for a dad who wears suspenders. (Thankful for that because it’s hilarious because you don’t know my dad.) A dad who got really into soccer just because I decided to get really into soccer. A dad who watches videos on his iPad and laughs hysterically about them. (We don’t ever know what he’s doing on that iPad but he told me once that the two videos he was watching were “elephants taking baths” and “puppy dance party.”) But most of all, thankful for a dad who still does the “Do you like seafood” joke at the dinner table and then proceeds to open his mouth to show his very chewed food.

I’m thankful for a twenty-one year strong relationship with my grandfather. Thankful for the (incorrect) knowledge that the capital of Bulgaria was named after him (Sofia. Charles Sofia). Thankful for the constant reminder that somewhere he’s pretending to pat my head and whispering “you’re my favorite grandchild” with a weirdly fantastic smile on his face.

I’m thankful for my siblings. My brother who basically crushes me alive when he gives me a “hug.” Thankful for sisters who tell everyone how bossy I am and then yell at me over the television. An older sister who supports my new soccer life and also does not support my really terrible reading habits. A younger sister who supports all my terrible habits and also stays up till all hours of the night watching weird TV and drinking too much soda.

Thankful for my dogs, because dogs.

Thankful for a boyfriend that cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner for me when I was living in Texas because I was homesick and wanted turkey. A boyfriend that texts me every day to tell me how much he loves me, but also crushes me in Words with Friends way too often and it’s not cool but I’ll still be thankful. Thankful for a boyfriend that likes video games, pajamas, junk food, and laying around doing absolutely nothing as much as I do.

Thankful for my two best friends even though they abandoned me and went to a new mall to work at PacSun.

And finally I’m thankful to be able to pen this post that you will all probably not read.

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On Dating: Long Distance: Continuing to be Something I Don’t Want in a Relationship

I know I’ve complained about this topic in the past and I also know that I am not the most idealistic human being to discuss relationships, but I just got back from visiting my actual real life long distance boyfriend and now I feel the need to talk about it almost constantly to everyone I know and also don’t know so brace yourselves, ok. 

Long distance is a weird time. It’s a weird time because a lot of the time you are very much alone, but you never actually feel that way. Deep in the back of my mind, I am always reminded that someone else is there with me and for me. The physical presence is lacking, of course, but the lingering connection two people share never actually stays away. Maybe that’s the weirdest part of it all for me. Some days I feel lonely and some days I want to feel alone, to remind myself that he’s not here with me–to remind myself that I need to work at this if I want to keep it going. And that’s dumb, because I don’t actually need to do that to remind myself of these things. But it’s also the hardest part, because the days I do feel lonely, I remember that I am alone. That I can’t call him up and see him in five minutes and be cured of all the loneliness. And that sucks, but also I don’t think this is making much sense at all and that sucks, too, because I am trying really hard to make these sentences real sentences with real meanings. 

My old manager dated her now husband for six years long distance and I can’t even imagine being able to do that as a human being, especially as a human being in love with another human being. It’s been a total of eight months that I’ve dated my boyfriend long distance and that is eight months too long for my taste. So props to all those who have been in or are currently in a long term long distance relationship because you are better people than I am. Or, I guess, maybe I’m just not used to it, but I don’t know if that’s a thing that I’ll ever be. ANYWAY, my old manager dated her now husband for six years long distance. She told me that you have to teach yourself to be ok with loneliness. She almost told me that you have to be comfortable with it. And, for many years of my life, I was ok with loneliness and ok with being alone forever. But there’s those two words and they are not synonymous. Everyone always used to say that you could be alone, but not be lonely. You can be totally single forever and never want a human companion for all of life but that doesn’t mean you’re lonely. And I guess you can even be lonely but not be alone and that’s sad to be with another person and still feel lonely, but I guess that’s where I’m at. Because I am with someone but I am so lonely because he’s not here. What am I saying?

The thing is that I guess despite my level of hate for the long distance separating myself and my boyfriend, the distance has made and strengthened my relationship and I can’t say that I would change it for anything. Not even the seven months that kept us apart the first seven months we were talking. We decided within a ten day period that we wanted to see where this connection would take us. And, so, we spent seven months apart, with only text messages and video chats to keep us in contact. We spoke every day. We skipped the having to get to know each other. We skipped the awkward first date conversation. We got to know each other based on things that were most important to both of us as individuals. We skipped the honeymoon phase because we had both already decided that this was what we wanted to work for–that this was what we wanted. There was no question that, no matter how hard things got, we weren’t giving up on each other or on each other as a unit. That’s the most gratifying part of it all, I think. I know all couples hit a moment when they decide that this is their forever. But we’ve been through tough times and knowing he’s 3,000 miles away and still continuing to put myself and our relationship before all things is a wonderful feeling. (Not a wonderful feeling that you can’t spend time with the one and only person you want to spend time with, but you take what you can get.) 

(This post was going to go in a completely different direction and now I don’t know where I am or how I got here.)

On Dating: Long Distance Relationships Are A Thing I Don’t Want Anymore

When I say that for a really long time I thought the only thing I wanted in a relationship was some type of long distance, I really mean that. I had no attraction to almost any of the males I knew at home and so I was convinced that my soulmate was somewhere across America or the world patiently waiting for our introduction. And this was okay. I, like I’m sure many other hopeless romantics/literature majors taking a Jane Austen class, found something super romantic about a long distance relationship. Two individuals sharing such a deep personal connection that transcended distance and time. How great, right? What could be better than knowing that no matter the space between you and the person you felt closest to, you always felt closest to them. 

This was extra appealing to me because for a long time (aka this might still be a thing today) I was really uncomfortable with all aspects of any sort of physical intimacy. So, I mean, hello, are you understanding what I’m saying? I could have a relationship without constantly having the obligation of providing some sort of physical contact. We’d be apart for a certain amount of time and then we could visit whenever we felt we needed to. I didn’t have to be constantly showing affection or constantly receiving affection, which was something that made me uncomfortable because I’m weird. 

It all sounded really great. And now that I am 22 and basically in a long distance relationship for the first time, I am coming to realize that everything I had thought about them was absolutely wrong. Ok, relationship gods. You win. I was wrong. 

(Disclaimer: you’ll have to excuse me in this post because I will be 100% too dramatic for anything on this earth and for that I am deeply sorry.)

Maybe I was just wrong because now I am in a LDR (I’m going to use this acronym because it’s too much work to type out the whole thing every. single. time) with a boy that I would very very much like to be in an actual relationship with, so that is kind of a bummer mostly, no? I know it’s only a matter of time before I can be around him on a regular basis but it’s all very weird and uncertain to me even though it’s not at all weird and uncertain. When I said I was basically in a LDR, I meant it. I’m not actually in one. But I mean, basically. So, in saying that, I can be around him and he can decide he hates my guts and then all of this was for nothing except sadness and tears. 

Everyone just keeps reminding me about how great it’s going to be when I’m actually able to see him on a regular basis and I believe them. They are 100% correct. Because I visited him about a month ago and it was probably the most perfect week of my life. So, yes, everyone on this earth, you are correct. Except once you leave that perfect week it’s back to being half a country away and it’s like nothing ever actually happened. Ready for cliches because it’s all like a dream. You start to wonder if it even happened because now it’s the opposite of happening. It’s not at all happening. Nothing is at all happening. 

So kudos to you, folks in LDRs because you’re great and less dramatic than I am.

I think my biggest problem, though, with the LDR is the type of crazy person I’ve become. And not even crazy clingy. Or crazy annoying. (I like to keep the crazy to myself, you understand.) It’s become an insecure crazy. An almost jealous crazy (but not quite). I have never felt so insecure before in my life and I can’t even understand why because he is a perfect specimen and he has promised to be mine while I am here and also when I get there so why self, why? He watches football every Saturday and literally disappears for all of eternity and I just get so bothered by the fact that he isn’t paying constant attention to me. And not because I’m mad that he has friends and I do paint by numbers on Saturday nights, but because I keep thinking that he’s going to be out somewhere and meet someone and realize that he doesn’t need to be waiting around for some girl that is half a country away. How stupid is that and am I? So stupid. It’s the stupidest thing I feel like the stupidest thing. 

How do people even do this because this is driving me up a wall but in a good and bad way because I think this is going to end up being the most perfect relationship but also I’m half a country away from it all.