So I know that a majority of the posts that I write here talk about how I’m in a funk and can’t get myself out but basically would do anything to get myself out because it sucks. And this post is really no different, so let me warn you now.
Life hasn’t been bad? It’s been pretty ok, actually. I mean, minus the part about me being in a terrible rut. I just recently got promoted at work, which has been feeling bittersweet if I’m being honest (I’m being honest). I’ve worked so hard and for so long to move up in the company I work for and it’s finally happened for me. And instead of feeling overjoyed about the fact that this has happened, I feel a little underwhelmed. It’s like this is all I’ve been working for and now what? I don’t feel fulfilled and that’s never good, especially when it comes to something you’ve wanted for a year. I guess maybe it’s just a sign that retail is not my life path. That this is only a means to an end. So maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t feel satisfied? Maybe feeling satisfied means that I’ll stop trying for something more? Whether that more is within the company or whether that more is outside of the company. So maybe I shouldn’t be looking at this negatively. I should be thankful that I’m feeling unfulfilled; be thankful that I know in my heart and mind that I need to keep moving forward. I need to keep moving toward something more. (Wow, ok, I worked that out much faster writing it down than I ever could in my head because I’ve been feeling really down on myself for not being overwhelmed with excitement that this has happened in my life,)
Another positive thing in my life is that my boyfriend was visiting about a week ago (it feels like forever ago) and it was a wonderful time. But I guess even that is great and terrible. Great because I hadn’t seen him since July, but terrible because now he’s gone again and I probably won’t see him until February because working at a mall has some negative aspects aka holiday aka the time between November and January. He recently interviewed with the company that his friend works for in Houston so naturally if he gets it he’ll have to move to Houston, which works better for communication because he’ll only be an hour behind me, but also it means that he’ll still be long distance. But I told him that if he did get the job and moved down there, I would go with him. I mean, not right away, but eventually when he had his own place and I stayed a least six months at my new store/in my new position. (One of the mall’s many perks is that basically I can transfer wherever and still have a job, which is always nice to know.) But then I was getting nervous that I was turning into the girlfriend that would just follow her boyfriend around wherever he went and I definitely did not want to be that type of girlfriend. But, at the same time, I definitely am tired of being the type of girlfriend that is long distance so I guess you gotta be one to not be the other and I have to change my idea of the type of girlfriend I want to be because I never thought I’d be in this situation. (Although I did always want to be in this situation.) So fingers crossed he gets the job in Houston and, if not, fingers crossed he gets a job anywhere because I just worry about him sitting over there feeling down on himself because he’s not working and doesn’t have money to do much of anything.
Ok, but now I’m going to talk about my real problem in my life right now and that’s my lack of focus on basically everything. I’ve been reading more often as of lately, but not enough to be like “Wow I’m reading so much again!” I can start a book and I can usually get pretty deep into it and then I’ll have one bad day and I revert back to my old habits of sitting around all day doing absolutely nothing productive and that one bad day will cause me continue doing absolutely nothing for basically weeks until I write a post about how terrible I am and then I’ll start up again. But the cycle never ends. This is an ongoing problem. And I never realized the power that one bad day had over me and that’s an issue. I’ve basically stopped writing altogether, whether it’s in my journal or creatively and that’s awful because that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do with my life. My reading habits are on and off. I don’t play my piano. I haven’t exercised in a month. Things are bad. I know once I get myself into a routine, it’ll be easier to keep that routine. And I know that it should be easy to just get myself into a routine because I’m here telling you all how terrible it feels to be this terrible, but it just doesn’t feel that easy. It feels so difficult to pull myself out of this rut. Someone please help me or I’ll be doomed for eternity, probably.