I know that I’ve disappeared (again) and I know we’re already a week into the new year, but I’m currently sitting in the backyard of my boyfriend’s house in the middle of sunny San Diego and thought there was no better place and time for me to do these reflections.
2014 was not my best. I don’t normally like to use one word to describe my year (unless that word is weird), but this past year was different for me. It was probably one of the most difficult years for me. I faced a lot of obstacles, physical and emotional. And I had to overcome a lot of obstacles that I set up for myself. It was hard, yes, but I think it was also the year that taught me the most. About people, about life, about myself. (I guess that’s kind of cliche, but it’s true and I stand by it.)
The year started off in a way that basically everyone wants their year to start off. I was in Texas with my boyfriend, ringing in the new year with homemade pizza, puzzles, and funny movies throughout the night. It was good and it was easy until it wasn’t. (So dramatic.) The truth of it all is that I moved to Texas without enough money saved up. I also moved to Texas thinking a friendship that had lasted so long would continue to last even when put through a stressful situation. I was wrong. I was running very low on money for a very long time and felt that I had no one to talk to. When it finally was talked about with my parents, it was such a weird feeling. A feeling that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I wasn’t dealing with it alone. And even though I was able to lose the weight of being financially unstable, it felt like I had gained a new weight: the weight of figuring out how I could possibly pick up a life I was trying so hard to make work. I had packed up my entire life and moved halfway across the country. I was able to build such a strong relationship with a human that I basically have committed myself to. I made some great friends. I loved my coworkers. And now I was faced with this. And basically it wasn’t even a decision. I had nothing to decide. I didn’t have enough money to stay and so I had to leave.
Once I did, I created this weird (there’s that word) barrier between me and basically my old life. The only people who knew I was coming back home were my parents and all the people I was leaving behind. I kept it a secret from people I was once really great friends with. I guess that seems weird. It seems like I would’ve wanted a lot of people around to help me going through such a weird transition, but it was exactly the opposite. I felt defeated for a long time. Like I had messed up somewhere. That I couldn’t do it. That I couldn’t even make it six months out of my house before I came back. It took months for me to finally get over it. To realize that I could do it. I didn’t move back home because I couldn’t. I moved back home because my preparation to move out wasn’t enough. I didn’t have the money. Not the ability. I learned how tough I really was. How independent I could be. And it felt amazing to have had the chance to move out. Because it taught me that if I could do it once really poorly, I could do it again but hopefully next time more successful.
But also it taught me who I want around when I do make decisions like that. I feel like the last few years, I haven’t changed the people I’ve surrounded myself with and I thought that it was because I had finally found the people I want in my life. But I guess every year brings new realizations and last year brought this one: That while I had a lot of the people I need in my life, I had a lot of people that I didn’t need. That were bringing me down.
And so here I am. Visiting my boyfriend for over a year in California. With some of the best friends I could’ve asked for. The most supportive family. A new family member on the way next month. And a possible promotion in the next few months. I’d make a resolution but I know it won’t stick. This year isn’t the year of the new me, but it’s the year of a better me. (Stole this from my good friend Julia.) I want to do more of the things I want to do. I want to take more steps to get to the places I want to be. I’m going to stop letting everyone’s negative energy affect me more than it should. I’m going to keep my nose out of business that isn’t mine. I’m going to read and write and drink hot chocolate. I’m going to spend more time with the people that want to spend time with me. I’m going to stop letting work get me down and start using it as a stepping stone to get me to where I really want to. I need to stop using these posts as a way to bring myself down when I should be building myself up. I’m going to be ok and this is the year that I start believing it and acting like it.